Releasing her guilt and shame of her previous relationship traumas, Jessica is ecstatic and enjoying being in a committed relationship while owning her weird self to the max.
Even though someone else made the decision I still had a lot of guilt and shame and a lot of confusion.
“I began with some lingering issues from a couple different traumas. One of which went back to 15 years of age, something that I thought about a lot that affected how I felt about myself. It also led me to make a lot of decisions that I probably wouldn’t have otherwise. Now I feel more confident in who I am. That moment doesn’t define me. Other people’s opinions don’t define me. I feel a lot more secure. There was something that I had been pushing down and pretending like it hadn’t happened because I didn’t want people to feel sorry for me.
Now, I am able to talk about it without just losing my mind, without playing it out like a movie in my head which was very traumatizing. Probably worse than the actual trauma was me replaying it over and over and over again. That has passed. I don’t think about it every day. I can talk about it in a healthy way. I am able to forgive myself for things that I felt like I may have had a part in at all. It’s been a huge relief. Being able to take it out of the box and look at it for what it really is, examine it and say ‘it really did happen and I’m strong enough now to heal and not stuff it down pretending like it’s not there’. That was pretty huge.
It was a learning experience in me being able to have compassion for myself and being able to let something go instead of dwelling and lingering on it because that wasn’t going to let it go. That was just making it worse. I feel more motivated, I feel more like I’m able to be myself and accept myself. That has been awesome. Doing this has opened up so much for me. It’s allowed me to be able to show more compassion and love to others and most certainly myself.
I had a very hard time trusting and dating for the long term because I was really worried about committing.
Because I felt like every time I committed that’s when all the bad stuff would begin to happen and I would be in a situation that felt out of control. I also felt really weird when I was in a relationship, like I wasn’t compatible with other people. Every single time I dated someone I felt like I lost myself completely. I wasn’t able to just be myself and feel comfortable.
Now for the first time in all my adult life I can 110% be completely me. I can just be honest and if it isn’t fully accepted then that’s alright. I can continue to be myself. I don’t feel like I have to walk on eggshells, which has nothing to do with the people I was in relationships with. It was because I was sincerely worried about disappointing someone or scaring someone off because of my own insecurities, baggage or things that may be weird to some people. I don’t care anymore. I’m totally happy with who I am. I like the person who I am. It’s nice to feel like I can be myself and be in a committed relationship.
I’m not scared anymore and I love it! It feels great. It feels easy.
I can also see a difference in the relationship with my daughters, with my friends, with coworkers. It’s been eye-opening like something was lifted from me that was weighing me down and making me feel incomplete.”